UPDATE: My Golden Teddy Awards have nothing to do with the Golden Teddy Awards handed out by, ha, The Teddy Bear Review (a magazine that “embraces the joy of Teddy Bear and soft scultpure collecting”). Really. I didn’t know those awards existed until I saw people googling “Golden Teddy Bear Awards” on my site meter. And there was no reason why anyone would know about my awards in, say, Dunkirk.

It’s that time of year again! Yes, it’s late December, when critics, unions, and amorphous over-funded foundations hand out laurels to sometimes deserving people. And I’ve been meaning to do the same thing, but like so many “regular” features on this blog, it never got off the ground. And it probably won’t last beyond this year. But who cares? Awards are fun!

Here is the FAQ for the Golden Teddy Awards:

What is a Golden Teddy Award?

It is small bear item — figurine, stuffed animal, action figure, etc. — spray-painted gold (GOLD!) by me, Ted(dy) Gideonse. Said Golden Teddy will be given to the winner of a Golden Teddy Award by me, provided that the winner sends me a self-addressed, postage-affixed, padded box or envelope.

For what does one win a Golden Teddy Award?

Excellence.

Excellence in what?

What I deem to be excellent. This year, there will be Golden Teddys given in such things as Television (ex. Most Excellent Use of Audience Ignorance of the Geography of a Setting), Film (ex. Most Excellent Hairy Chest — Male), Music (ex. Most Excellent Use of Beyonce’s Voice As a Weapon of Terror), Books  (Most Excellent Book I Finished), Blogging (Most Excellent Comment Involving Biblical References and Multiple Misspellings) and the Humanities. The last category is a catch-all, and it will collect such awards as Excellence in Bold-Faced Lying about the Gays, Excellence in Campaign Crying, and Excellence in Decorating a Home at which I Attended a Party.

Who decides the winners of the Golden Teddys?

I do. Duh.

What is your feeling about campaigning for an award?

I’m all for it. As the Supreme Court has said, money is speech. Feel free to send bribes, as well as suggestions for award categories. Also, liquor is accepted as long as it is top shelf.

When will you announce the winners of the Golden Teddys?

Here’s the schedule:

• Television — December 22
• Film — December 23
• Books — December 24 26
  
• Music — December 26 27
  
• Blogging — December 27 28
• Humanities — December 28 29

Stay tuned!

[UPDATE: Not to be confused with Joe Klein’s Teddy Awards, which are named after Teddy Roosevelt. Not me. So they suck. Hat tip, Mom.]