This week I wrote about Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. As you can imagine, I had more fun writing my column than seeing the movie. The headline? “Miss Congeniality 2: It’s no Miss Congeniality 1.” Hee. A selection:

I didn’t laugh until Dolly Parton showed up. Dolly isn’t funny, but in mistaking Dolly for a Dolly Parton imitator, Gracie pokes Dolly’s breasts rather forcefully. It’s more or less the same joke that Austin Powers used when he slurred, “She’s a man, baby!” and tried to pull off an old woman’s wig. But it wasn’t a wig—it was her hair! And they’re not fake breasts—they’re Dolly’s titties! Good times, good times.

Anyway: Enjoy!

Is that’s time of the month again. Or, it’s that time of the two-week cycle. My new column is up. I wrote about “Millions” and guilt. I hope y’all like it. Here’s the link (in case you haven’t noticed that when there are three little dots before the blog title, the title links to whatever I’m talking about–and there’s an identical link at the end of the entry attached to “and here’s the link, my child.”) And here’s the illo.

Dude, Maisy is so fucking impressive.

My new column is up. As you probably have surmised, it’s about “Inside Deep Throat.” This is how it begins:

I saw Deep Throat just after I turned seventeen. I was spending the night at my friend John’s house. His parents were out of town, and the old man who was keeping an eye on John and his little brother went to sleep at ten that night. If John’s mother knew why I was spending the night, her head would have popped off. This was a woman who thought her seventeen-year-old son needed a babysitter when she and her husband went away for the weekend. In her over-protective tunnel vision, it hadn’t occurred to her that, even with the babysitter, John would teach me how to get drunk and show me his father’s copy of the most famous dirty movie of all time. I had asked for drinking lessons; John had suggested the porn as a chaser. Come to think of it, I guess he needed a better babysitter.

Please read the column and tell others to read it, too. Thanks!

My new column is up. It’s all about the Oscars. Here’s a quote:

As a dedicated cinephile and practicing homosexual, I am obsessed with the Academy Awards. When I was little, I wandered around the house with a photocopied list (from Time) of all the Best Picture, Best Actor and Best Actress nominees as my security blanket.

I don’t make any predictions in the column, because I think it’s pretty obvious who’s going to win. I agree with EW’s assessment: Baby, Foxx, Swank, Freeman, Blanchett, Eastwood. But what do the Bible readers think? It’s an almost tie between “Million Dollar Baby” and “The Aviator,” but my readers are savvy enough to know that “The Aviator” is all shine and no soul. And have no fear. A new poll is on the way.