The 2008 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Film

Update appended.

And the winners are…!

Most Excellent “I’m SO CrAzY!” Acting.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpNtde_owk4 350 200]

Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight.” There is truly awful “I’m SO CrAzY!” acting, such as Brad Pitt in “12 Monkeys” or Robin Williams in “The Fisher King” showing off a bunch of mannered ticks, and then there is truly great “I’m SO CrAzY!” acting. Not since Anthony Hopkins in “The Silence of the Lambs” has someone done sociopathic so well — so creepy, so deep, so funny, and so captivating.

Most Excellent “I’m so sad and depressed…” Acting.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uycf4sEOHbY]

Anne Hathaway in “Rachel Getting Married.” This movie bugged hard. It was preposterously plotted and every single character was awful, with the exception of Mather Zickel’s Kieran, Hathaway’s underwritten love interest. I wanted the movie to end about 45 minutes earlier than it did; it was annoying and boring. I guess Hathaway’s performance shows a great deal of versatility. She laughs, she cries, she pouts, she gets into a fist fight. But she’s ACTING. I wanted to slap her.

Most Excellent When Shirtless.

Hugh Jackman in “Australia.” Just watch this clip; you’ll get what I’m saying.

Most Excellent First Half of a Movie.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UblUO0LjPUg]

“Wall-E.” The first 45 minutes is more or less a silent film; it’s genius — moving, beautiful, hilarious. The moment the robot ends up on the intergalactic Ark, the movie becomes obvious political commentary about Saving the Environment. And that part is kind of annoying.
Most Excellent Rewrite of Source Material to Fit Our Current War.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhgzIM-9lfA]

“Iron Man.” In the original comic book, Tony Stark is kidnapped by the Vietcong and forced to make a weapon. In this movie, it’s some sort of a Al-Qaeda wannabe group. The best part is that Stark is given an Middle Eastern buddy / assistant / doctor that diffuses the otherwise problematic racist overtones. No such Vietnamese sidekick existed back in the 1960s version. Yay for progress.

Most Excellent “You’re doing WHAT?!” Acting. Tie!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5e7XLioq58k]

Tom Cruise in “Tropic Thunder.” His three scenes are shocking, not just because it’s Cruise but because his character is so shocking. Usually when Cruise pulls a WTF?! moment, it seems to me as if he’s just a sight-gag. This was more. Though, yeah, he is kind of sight-gag. And oddly hot.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XHsmRVYU-A]

Robert Downey, Jr. in “Tropic Thunder.” Just plain genius. I don’t know how they pulled off his make-up, but Downey pulled off the character by being a brilliant actor. I mean, really. He’s that good. He should win an Oscar.

Most Excellent Reason to Blacklist a Casting Director.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCaZz2UMml0]

Pierce Brosnan in “Mama Mia!” What were they thinking? The last 15 seconds of this clip … they’re just painful. Oh, my ears.

Most Excellent Gimmick-less Acting.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW0lQrWn5VI]

Sean Penn in “Milk.” He certainly looks a lot like Harvey Milk, but not that much. And he certainly sounds a lot like Milk, but not that much. This is a not a simple imitation, like Jamie Foxx in “Ray” (as good as that was). Penn creates a character who is more than Milk; he is a gay Everyman, a Norma Rae for the Gays. He’s also funny, sexy, and flawed. Obviously, Penn’s Milk wouldn’t exist without Dustin Lance Black’s amazing script, which is based on mostly new research.

Most Excellent Gimmick-less Film.

“Milk.” It’s the gay “Gandhi,” except it’s not too long and not boring. And unlike it’s documentary predecessor, it leave you uplifted, not completely depressed. The movie is nearly perfect.

Most Excellent Gimmicky Film

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L6K3fkwr-Y]

I feared that “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” would be “Forrest Gump” with a darker palette and prettier people, but it was instead a deeply felt, deeply affecting meditation on death, aging, and fate. Like all David Fincher films, every shot was stunningly gorgeous. But it seems that Fincher has allowed his visual and technical virtuosity to serve the story, not his ego (unlike, I feel, he did in “Fight Club”). In his blankness and naivete, Brad Pitt was perfect. As Variety wrote, “Benjamin is a reactor, not a perpetrator, and Pitt inhabits the role genially, gently and sympathetically.” Cate Blanchett, playing a much more complex character, actually goes through more emotional transformations than Pitt does physical. As always, she’s amazing, and I don’t think she’s ever been better.

Most Excellent Trailer for a Movie That Doesn’t Exist and Probably Won’t.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fb50GMmY5nk]

“Thundercats,” starring Brad Pitt, Vin Diesel, and Hugh Jackman. I mean, really. This is was obviously created by a future Oscar for Best Editing.

Most Excellent Movies That I Didn’t See Either Because I Couldn’t Be Bothered Or Because I Live in San Diego Where the Movies Will Never Open or Will Open Next Year.

Tie! Slumdog Millionaire, Doubt, Frozen River, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Quantum of Solace, Waltz with Bashir, Happy-Go-Lucky, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Frost/Nixon, The Reader, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler, Changeling, and Gran Torino. Yeah. So in other words, I based 2008’s Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Film on, like, 10 movies. Ha. Suckerz.

Tomorrow: The 2008 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Books!

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The 2008 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Television

And the winners are…!

Most Excellent Use of Audience Ignorance of the Geography of a Dramatic Setting.

Pratt, not Harvard! Tie! In “Brothers and Sisters,” characters travel from Pasadena to Santa Barbara during commercial breaks. It takes an hour to drive from Santa Barbara to Pasadena — without traffic! As if that was remotely possible. Click here to get directions from Pasadena to Santa Barbara to West Hollywood to Downtown LA and back to Pasadena. And in “Fringe,” the lab where our heroes hang out and do physically impossible things is supposed to be at Harvard. But the exterior shots are of Pratt. In Brooklyn. Which only remotely looks like Harvard.

Most Excellent Fake TV Show within a TV Show That Is Real.

“MILF Island,” the “Survivor” meets “Date My Mom” reality smash hit on fake NBC that is the key plot point in an episode of real NBC’s “30 Rock.” The premise? Horny TV boys vote MILFs off the island. The tagline? “20 MILFs, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.” The catch phrase? “We no longer want to hit that.” Genius!

Most Excellent Statutory Rape.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NVcTlwsr2M] On “Gossip Girl,” the producers thought it was a good idea to have Nate, 17, and Jenny, 15, hook up and cause all sorts of silly drama with their friends and family and erstwhile lovers. No problem, right? Well, Taylor Momsen, who plays Jenny, really is 15. And Chace Crawford, who plays Nate, is not 17. He’s 23. This hook-up caused Entertainment Weekly to do an entire article on TV’s “most unappealing make-out moments.”

Continue…

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Announcing the 2008 Golden Teddy Awards

UPDATE: My Golden Teddy Awards have nothing to do with the Golden Teddy Awards handed out by, ha, The Teddy Bear Review (a magazine that “embraces the joy of Teddy Bear and soft scultpure collecting”). Really. I didn’t know those awards existed until I saw people googling “Golden Teddy Bear Awards” on my site meter. And there was no reason why anyone would know about my awards in, say, Dunkirk.

It’s that time of year again! Yes, it’s late December, when critics, unions, and amorphous over-funded foundations hand out laurels to sometimes deserving people. And I’ve been meaning to do the same thing, but like so many “regular” features on this blog, it never got off the ground. And it probably won’t last beyond this year. But who cares? Awards are fun!

Here is the FAQ for the Golden Teddy Awards:

What is a Golden Teddy Award?

It is small bear item — figurine, stuffed animal, action figure, etc. — spray-painted gold (GOLD!) by me, Ted(dy) Gideonse. Said Golden Teddy will be given to the winner of a Golden Teddy Award by me, provided that the winner sends me a self-addressed, postage-affixed, padded box or envelope.

For what does one win a Golden Teddy Award?

Excellence.

Excellence in what?

What I deem to be excellent. This year, there will be Golden Teddys given in such things as Television (ex. Most Excellent Use of Audience Ignorance of the Geography of a Setting), Film (ex. Most Excellent Hairy Chest — Male), Music (ex. Most Excellent Use of Beyonce’s Voice As a Weapon of Terror), Books  (Most Excellent Book I Finished), Blogging (Most Excellent Comment Involving Biblical References and Multiple Misspellings) and the Humanities. The last category is a catch-all, and it will collect such awards as Excellence in Bold-Faced Lying about the Gays, Excellence in Campaign Crying, and Excellence in Decorating a Home at which I Attended a Party.

Who decides the winners of the Golden Teddys?

I do. Duh.

What is your feeling about campaigning for an award?

I’m all for it. As the Supreme Court has said, money is speech. Feel free to send bribes, as well as suggestions for award categories. Also, liquor is accepted as long as it is top shelf.

When will you announce the winners of the Golden Teddys?

Here’s the schedule:

Stay tuned!

[UPDATE: Not to be confused with Joe Klein’s Teddy Awards, which are named after Teddy Roosevelt. Not me. So they suck. Hat tip, Mom.]

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My World AIDS Day post: HIV, the Internet, and identity in San Diego.

This is my post for Bloggers Unite for World AIDS Day. It’s sponsored by AIDS.gov and BlogCatalog. A bunch of folks around the world are blogging about HIV and AIDS. My addition is a paper I gave last week in San Francisco about HIV, the Internet, and identity in San Diego.

If you were following my Twitters and/or my Facebook updates, you know that the weekend before Thanksgiving I was in San Francisco for the American Anthropology Association’s annual meetings. It is always wonderful to be in San Francisco, but I was so excited to be there, I tried to do too much, see too many people, have too much fun, and do what I was there to do: attend the darn meetings. And I ended up tired and cranky a lot of the time. Very tired. Very cranky. And then, on Thanksgiving morning, I woke up with a karma-rific cold. Still, I got one the best haicuts of my life from Joe, had an amazing dinner with Tom, had a couple beers with Mike, had an awesome dinner with Chia-Ning, went dancing here with Kevin, had several beers with a cheerful Jeff and several more with my fellow former New Yorker John. And I got to hang out with my sister-in-law Laura, who was also in town for a conference and with whom I shared a couple hotels rooms. (I stayed in three hotels in San Francisco that week. The Marriott is over-priced but damn nice. The Carlton is adorable and delightful. The Pickwick is a pit of despair.) Oh, yeah. And I did some anthropology-related things as well. I didn’t go to as many panels as I should have, but I networked up the wazoo, and ultimately, that will probably be more worthwhile.

And I gave a paper at a panel I organized with my friend Cage. The panel was called “Identities in the Clinic: conflicts, tensions, and critiques of self-concepts.” Here is the panel abstract:

Since Mauss’s essay on the person and Hallowell’s analysis of the self in its behavioral environment, anthropologists have attended to various ways in which certain kinds of social statuses and self-concepts organize social structure, perception, motivation, and action. In recent years, however, despite a new proliferation of articles on hybrid, fluid, or cyborg identities, and the play and tension of subaltern identities, much of this analysis remains at the level of the political and symbolic. The papers in this panel seek to ground and critique current ideas of identity and self, to elucidate the processes of identity as commitment to certain ways of being and certain moral ideals, as well as certain ways of perceiving, attributing, and interpreting signs of health, illness, sentiment, and morality, particularly as applied to issues of mental and bodily health, through explicitly psychological models. The papers herein examine the ways in which patients and health care providers negotiate conflicting identities: as agents of the state, as “systems based providers”, as documented/undocumented, as members of sexual or ethnic minorities, as simultaneously physician and scientist, or as a person with an illness negotiating multiple epistemological orientations in religious and cultural identities.

Could you be more excited? I didn’t think so.

For my World AIDS Days Bloggers Unite post, I’ve pasted the paper below the jump. It’s very much a working paper, and it should be treated as such. Continue…

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“When he pushes, will you come?”

Donnie Davies is back!

Lawd!

I was kind of sad that he had vanished into the ether from which he came. But he hasn’t! He’s back with a new song and video. While it’s not as good as “The Bible Says” (bottom) which is kind of genius, “Take My Hand” (top now lost to the internet) does have some pretty awesome double entendres, and the video has some choice iconography, like Anderson Cooper and Michael Phelps and the final shot that seems ripped off from a Creed video. Honestly, I’m surprised Donnie Davies didn’t perform at the RNC with San Diego’s gay-basher-in-chief Miles McPherson. Considering how many people seem to think Davies is the real deal — check out the comments on his YouTube page — I do wonder how many times he’s been asked to perform at Christianist anti-gay events.

As I’m sure my readers — at least the ones who actually read the blog, as opposed to the people who show up here because they googled “kneepads costume slut” or “San Francisco street whores” or “cellphone + bible + thesis” — will recall, I wrote a ridiculous paper about the phenomenology of gaydar because of last year’s Donnie Davies brouhaha. Here’s the first paragraph:

Over the last several days, various gay bloggers have been linking to a music video of Donnie Davies and his band Evening Service performing their song “The Bible Says.” Filmed like a cross between a video of a run-of-the-mill country artist and a 1980s arena rock band like Night Ranger, it was full of images of Donnie praying, raising his arms like Jesus, and singing with a little too much gusto to appear to be “cool.” It looks like a Christian rock video. What most bloggers and their readers objected was the song’s refrain: “God hates a fag / God hates fags / God hates fags / So if you’re a fag, He hates you, too.” Before I saw the video, I read a number of posts about how deeply offensive the song and the Donnie were, how this proves how hateful the Religious Right could be. But then someone noticed that it was a little too over-the-top; it seemed like parody. Last night, there were nearly 200 comments on the popular gay blog JoeMyGod debating whether or not it was satire. Joe himself wrote, “I mean, COME ON, take a swishy bear [“bear” is gay slang for a husky, often hairy, gay man] in a PINK shirt and have him sing about fighting homo temptation? It’s GOLD, Jerry! And the line ‘To enter heaven, there’s no backdoor’? Priceless” (2007). For some the hints of satire were in the double entendre of the lyrics, but for others it was the way that Donnie moved, his gestures, his way-of-being that made him seem, well, gay. (Though this latter observance would not necessarily mean that he was joking, considering that he states on his website that he is a “reformed” homosexual.) Because I have been reading feminist theorizing on the body all week, I thought, well, yes, Donnie moves gay-ly; our interpretation, my interpretation that he is gay, that he cannot be anything but gay, arises out of culturally, historically embedded notions of the male and female body, notions that have only somewhat changed (even if they have been complicated) by the feminist intervention.

You can read the whole thing here. As an added bonus, there is a stupid flame war between me and a troll in the comments.

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