The 2009 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Movies

Most Excellence in Being Excellent

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUeYKwxTCGQ]An Education. I enjoyed this movie more than any other this year. It was a coming of age tale, but it was unlike any I’d ever seen before. It was about sex and literature, lies and honor, family and love. Carey Mulligan encapsulated all of that and more as the smitten 17-year-old, and Peter Saargard has never been better or sexier as her lothario. I didn’t want the movie to end (and I would have rewritten it). It’s nearly a perfect film.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8y2H8tcASA]District 9. Stellar sci-fi like “District 9” is rare. It’s a parable about our world — in this case, a weird mixture of Guantanamo, anti-immigration strife, and identity politics — that is not masked and undone by cynical Hollywood ploys, like stunt-casting, 3-D glasses, or loud and nonsensical special effects. The script is funny and profound and disturbing and perfectly structured, and the lead actor, Sharlto Copley was funny, cruel, desperate, pathetic, and heroic. And I bought it all.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2igjYFojUo]The Fantastic Mr. Fox. What a weird, hilarious, prickly piece of art. It’s the only Raold Dahl adaptation that really does his bizarre and creepy writing justice. It’s certainly made a little more family friendly than Dahl’s writing is, but it’s still a true artistic vision. I think it’s Wes Anderson’s best movie, as much as I love Rushmore.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4QAjsbSdCQ]The Hurt Locker. You’ve never seen a war movie like this one. Intense, upsetting, unpredictable, horrifying, moving. As David Denby, who I normally loathe, wrote, it is a “classic of tension, fear, and bravery that will be studied twenty years from now.” Yep.

Most Excellence in Morally Challenged Filmmaking

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02OD8YnzzmE]Inglourious Basterds. Yeah, so Tarentino shredded and then collaged together the World War II film narrative, making a post-modern masterpiece. But in doing so, he shredded the morality of the World War II film narrative and collaged together an ultra-violent revenge tale that ends with Jews being just as cruel as the Nazis. And for some reason, people think this is the best movie of year. It is the best made, with the best dialogue, some of the best directed scenes, and it made people talk about it, if not always in a good way. But it themes are abhorrent to me. And immoral.

Most Excellence in Ignoring 30 Years of Discussions on Race and Representation

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJarz7BYnHA][youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLzKwTcGO_0]Avatar. Oh, James Cameron. He made a very pretty, very loud, technically interesting movie with a plot so banal as to be almost offensive: Dance With Wolves meets Fern Gully. But no, it actually was offensive. The blue noble savages were Lakota/Aborigines/Masai/Papuans-wannabes created from racist tropes older than them thar hills that have been critiqued by activists and academics for 40 years. Cameron uses pyschosocial research to create his plots — to make sure they stick like Titanic or Star Wars did — and must have known that he was doing something very, very problematic, but he also knew that tropes, particularly racist ones, work. And he just had to make a billion dollars, so racism be damned when money and Oscars are involved. One of the best things written on this is “When Will White People Stop Making Movies like ‘Avatar.’” And then there is the review to the left, which is hilarious.

Most Excellence in Twee

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MSVaOfZcnU]Up. It was adorable, moving, wildly imaginative, funny-in-a-cute-inoffensive-way, and the best Pixar film since Finding Nemo. I laughed, I cried, but it wasn’t better than The Fantastic Mr. Fox.

Most Excellence in Emotional Manipulation

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9Ovkye6lac]Invictus. How did Clint Eastwood make me feel patriotic? For a country I’ve never been to? Named South Africa? But somehow he did it with his classical perfection, Morgan Freeman’s genius imitation, and working with a historical revisionist script. Mandela was not a saint, but his filmic doppelganger certainly made me cheer for South African rugby players. It helped that they were hot. Matt Damn with muscles — yay!

Most Excellence in Freaking the Hell Out of Me

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01-PqqifyjA]Where the Wild Things Are. What a disturbing film. Dave Eggers and Spike Jonze took a sweet picture book about little boys and cutesy monsters and created a morality tale about savage desire. As a friend of mine said, “It’s about how your best friend could kill you at any moment.” No wonder parents were outraged that first weekend it came out. It’s a work of genius, but it is not fun and not a children’s movie. At all.

Most Excellence in Anti-Capitalism Propaganda

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m-Da8Tz4_E]Up in the Air. I loved the The Informant! — especially Matt Damon’s brilliantly absurd performance — but it wasn’t really about anything, even though it is a story about a multinational corporate crime. Up in Air is about the moral failure of big business, MBA culture, and excellence for excellence’s sake. And its done through two amazing characters studies — George Clooney’s Ryan Bingham and Anna Kendrick’s Natalie Keener. It’s funny and moving and perfectly made, but it is also a bit obvious. Yeah, American capitalism sucks and it makes people sad. Dur.

Most Excellence in Anti-War Propaganda

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MEApxjYncI]The Messenger. This is probably the best possible movie that could be made about two men who inform next of kin that a relative has been killed in the line of duty. It’s gut-wrenching and naturalistic, and it’s excellent, and if you want to join the Army after seeing it, you should be locked up. (The Hurt Locker is too complex to be simply an anti-war movie.) Woody Harrelson is fantastic, as always, but so is the amazingly intense Ben Foster, who has been snubbed by the Oscars two years in a row now.

Most Excellence in Poverty Porn

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5FYahzVU44]Precious. I twittered “relentless” while watching this Dickensian nightmare. If any movie makes you thank your lucky stars, this is the one. After anything remotely good happens to Precious, something appallingly awful happens immediately. It’s the cruelest narrative I’ve encountered in a long time. Playing the most evil mother since Mommie Dearest, Mo’Nique is amazing — particularly in the second-to-last scene of the film — and Lee Daniels did some wonderful direction, but it is truly pornographic.

My Most Excellent Oscar Pics

Best Picture

  • Will win: The Hurt Locker
  • Should win: The Hurt Locker
  • Snubbed: Invictus and The Messenger. How The Blind Side got nominated…

Best Actress

  • Will win: Sandra Bullock
  • Should win: Carey Mulligan
  • Snubbed: I can’t think of anyone.

Best Actor

  • Will win: Jeff Bridges
  • Should win: Jeff Bridges, though I haven’t seen Crazy Heart. (Doh.)
  • Snubbed: Sharlto Copley for District 9 and Matt Damon for The Informant!

Best Supporting Actress

  • Will win: Mo’Nique
  • Should win: Mo’Nique
  • Snubbed: Julianne Moore. I mean, really.

Best Supporting Actor

  • Will win: Christoph Waltz
  • Should win: Woody Harrelson
  • Snubbed: Stanley Tucci for Julie & Julia. He was nominated for the wrong movie.

Best Director

  • Will win: Katherine Bigelow
  • Should win: Katherine Bigelow
  • Snubbed: Neill Blomkamp

Best Original Screenplay

  • Will win: The Hurt Locker
  • Should win: The Hurt Locker
  • Snubbed: I dunno.

Best Adapted Screenplay

  • Will win: Up in the Air
  • Should win: District 9
  • Snubbed: The Fantastic Mr. Fox

Best Animated Film

  • Will win: Up
  • Should win: The Fantastic Mr. Fox
  • Snubbed: Some people will say Ponyo, I’m sure.

Best Documentary

  • Will win: The Cove
  • Should win: I don’t know. I’d have to see them. (Doh)
  • Snubbed: Capitalism: A Love Story

Best Foreign Language Film

  • Will win: The White Ribbon
  • Should win: Again: I don’t know. I’d have to see them. (Doh)
  • Snubbed: Broken Embraces

Best Editing

  • Will win: The Hurt Locker
  • Should win: The Hurt Locker

Best Cinematography

  • Will win: Avatar
  • Should win: The Hurt Locker or The White Ribbon (based only on the trailer).

Best Art Direction

  • Will win: Avatar
  • Should win: Avatar
  • Snubbed: A Single Man. I mean, really. It’s was about art direction.

Best Costume Design

  • Will win: Coco Before Chanel
  • Should win: Coco Before Chanel. It’s a movie about a fashion designer, after all.
  • Snubbed: A Single Man. Bizarre. However, I did hate that angora sweater…

Best Makeup

  • Will win: The Young Victoria
  • Should win: Star Trek

Best Visual Effects

  • Will win: Avatar
  • Should win: Avatar

Best Sound Editing

  • Will win: The Hurt Locker
  • Should win: The Hurt Locker

Best Sound Mixing

  • Will win: Avatar
  • Should win: Avatar

Best Music, Original Song

  • Will win: “The Weary Kind,” Crazy Heart
  • Should win: “The Weary Kind,” Crazy Heart
  • Snubbed: “9000 Days,” Invictus

Best Music, Original Score

  • Will win: Marco Beltrami and Buck Sanders, The Hurt Locker
  • Should win: Alexandre Desplat, The Fantastic Mr. Fox
  • Snubbed: Marvin Hamlisch, The Informant!. Genius. As opposed to James Horner’s Hackery.

Really, do you care about the short films?

The 2009 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Television

Sorry for the delay. I’ve been busy. And this is the embarrassing Golden Teddy Award, because it shows just how much TV I watch.

Most Excellence In Happy Endings

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBqvznPZ49s]Southland. The best new show of 2009, Southland was canceled not because of bad ratings but because it was too “gritty” for a 9pm time-slot, and NBC had given 10pm every day of the week to Jay Leno. (Yeah, that worked out.) Southland ended up on TNT, which is a cable channel, which means it can be as gritty as they want it to be. It’s easily one of the best cops shows I’ve ever seen. Plus, it has Ben McKenzie, who makes my knees weak. And having a complex gay cop played by the complex character actor Michael Cudlitz helps a lot.

Most Excellent Show About A Vampire

Tie!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETxEcWFMU1s]The Glenn Beck Program. Okay, I don’t actually watch Glenn Beck. But he’s a vampire. And an evil one. Unlike the more complex ones in…

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-rUvpGEAYU]True Blood. As gruesome police procedurals like CSI were to the mid-00s, vampires were to 2008 and 2009. True Blood is the only good thing to come of this trend. And while it’s not “good” in the way that, say, Mad Men or Buffy the Vampire Slayer are, since it’s not really about anything other than what it is, it’s very good at what it is: Pulp. Sex, violence, comedy, love, and utter ridiculousness. It’s really, really fun.

Most Excellence In Family Fare

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aSzTVrP5FQ]Modern Family. It’s rather hard to take something as cliched as the family sitcom and make it relevant and new and laugh-out-loud funny, but Modern Family does it. It has the absurdity of Arrested Development and 30 Rock, but it’s actually real — these people could and do exist. More or less. And it’s not mean, unlike so many other family sitcoms have been. These people love each other, even when they’re angry. It reminds me of Roseanne in that way. Also in the ways that there are complex gay people in it.

Most Excellence In Being 30 Rock But Set At the Monsanto Corporation

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Z2MjAcd3Ys]Better Off Ted. This show is ridiculously funny, an amazingly well-made absurdist satire of the modern corporation.

Most Excellent Show That Revolves Around One Excellent Performance

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_OtrYgMnCU]The Good Wife. Like The Closer, a close second in this category, the lead actress and her well-written lines take a rather cliched premise, in this case a woman lawyer going back to work after being a housewife, and turns it into something that transcends the genre. Julianna Margulies is AMAZING.

Most Excellence In Starting Out Very Bad, Getting Canceled, and Getting Really Good

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39VBKg6Mqm0]Dollhouse. The first season was so, so, so very bad, but I was determined to stick with it, since Joss Whedon has never done me wrong before. And when it came back, shockingly, for a second season, it got better. But when Fox cancelled it, it got awesome. Once there was an ending in sight, they knew what to do. And they’re doing it with all the teh-awesome-ness available. Smartly, they’ve tamped down anything having to with Eliza Dushku’s supposed acting versatility and ramped up Olivia Williams and Fran Kranz, who are both fabulous.

Most Excellence in Starting Out “Meh” And Then Getting Really Good

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGfm16rgmLU]Parks & Recreation. This is Part 1 of “We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful.” Three of people I was friendly with in college produce, write, or star in it, and I’m jealous that they’re rich and famous. But, damn, this is a funny show. Of course, it helps to have Amy Poehler and Aziz Ansari, who are comedy geniuses.

Most Excellence In Wish Fulfillment

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNSF-IlfWLo]Glee. The plots are absurd, but watching outcast fags and drama geeks get to be stars makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. The musical numbers are wonderful (as is the auto-tune!) and Jane Lynch is the best villain on TV.

Most Excellence In Guilty Pleasure

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsuXLIaci8g]Smallville. This show also has benefited from seeing an end. It’s still not good — cheesy, badly acted low-budget silliness — but knowing the Lois (Erica Durance, who I ♥) and Clark are eventually going to end up together and stop living in Smallville gives the narrative some traction.

Most Excellence In OMG THIS IS SO BAD!!!!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vT6S54bXgOE]The Beautiful Life. Honestly, I have never seen anything worse on television. Ever.

Most Excellence in Continuing Excellence

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_7Zzb-t9Lc]Mad Men. Every year, we get 13 Cheever short stories brought to life. It is the best show on cable, and one of the best things every put on TV. They have no censors, as clearly evidenced by this scene. Wow.

30 Rock. Comedy gold!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5p_Emf6ayoE]Lost. They know where it’s going. Still the best show on network television.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYMU340dunQ]Damages. Evil and brilliant. And Part 2 of “We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful.”

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5ceO7H6XqA]Breaking Bad. It’s like The Sopranos will a moral compass. In New Mexico. Without Italians.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wuDpTiBTPY]Fringe. The X-Files, but less annoying. Really.

The 2009 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Music

It’s that time of year again! First up, the Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Music.

Most Excellence in Wrongness

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8qE6WQmNus]Bob Dylan’s Christmas in the Heart is both genius and terrifying. One friend said that “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” “is a threat” and another said that “O’ Come All Ye Faithful (Adeste Fidelis)” “sounds likes a demonic incantation.” The album is the soundtrack for the next train to Wrongville. And yet I’ve found it hypnotic and, um, fun. If you think of Bob doing these songs at a drunken — very, very drunken — Irish bar on Christmas night, it sort of makes sense. Like the Pogues, minus a few gallons of whiskey.

Most Excellence in the Use of the Whole Rest

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIEOZCcaXzE]From 3:47 to 3:54 of MGMT’s brilliant dance jam paen to youth, “Kids,” all we hear are the light tapping of a drum set’s cymbals and the playing of children. And then BOOM, the refrain returns, and you’ll drive off the road if you’re dancing in your car. I’ve almost done that, well, too many times. The song is just amazing, and that moment is thrilling. I know it came out last year, but if the Grammys can nominate MGMT for Best New Artist for 2009, then I can give this song an award in 2009. So there.

Most Excellence in Auto-Tune

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU]Any song that mocks how lame many pop-rap songs are and how badly misused auto-tune can be is a winner in my book. (Yes, I have book. Really.) And the Lonely Island’s “I’m On A Boat” is quite the winner. Let’s hope it wins the Grammy for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration. (Argh: Simulacra!) Andy Samberg, you’re my hero. And that’s also because…

Most Excellence in the Use of Color Me Bad’s Goodwill Donation

…he and Justin Timberlake made the best sequel since Empire Strikes Back. “Mother Lover,” the follow-up to the Emmy-winning “Dick in a Box,” has the two douches getting out of prison, realizing that they missed Mother’s Day, and come up with a plan to, yes, fuck each other’s mothers. Oddly, the song is sweet. And it has these lyrics (among others):

AS & JT: ’cause every Mother’s Day needs a Mother’s Night
If doing it is wrong, I don’t wanna be right
I’m callin’ on you ’cause I can’t do it myself
to me you’re like a brother, so be my mother lover

AS: I’m layin’ in the cut waitin’ for your mom
clutchin’ on this lube and roses

JT: I got my digital camera, I’m gonna make your momma do a million poses

AS: They will be so surprised

JT: We are so cool and thoughtful

AS: Can’t wait to pork your mom

JT: I’m gonna be the syrup, she can be my waffle

Comedy gold.

Most Excellence in Cheesy Pop

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M11SvDtPBhA]Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA” has been ubiquitous for the last eight months or so, and rightfully so. This is a perfect pop song, and makes you want to dance, sweatermonkeys, DANCE. But it’s also about how awesome music is and how music and dancing can make you feel at ease in the world, part of something, and just fine:

So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song
And the butterflys fly away
Noddin’ my head like yeah
Moving my hips like yeah
And I got my hands up
They’re playin my song
I know I’m gonna be ok
Yeah, it’s a party in the USA

And I dig this video in all of it’s aesthetic mash-up of the Dirty South and slumming Silverlake. Also, Miley’s grown up and looks hawt. Suck it, haterz.

Most Excellence in Avant Garde (or “Smelly Cheese”) Pop

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAYBMx_HpME]Usually when pop singers “repackage” their albums, it’s usually with a few not-so-great add-ons and a vague name change (like Rihanna did with Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded or Eminem is doing with Relapse: Refill), all in order to keep said singer on the charts until the next full release comes out. However, the eight new songs on Lady Gaga’s Fame Monster, a repackaged version of The Fame, could have comprised an album — a very weird and totally amazing dance pop record. The song here, “Telephone,” which features Beyonce, has lyrics so strange they could have been written by Miss Fierce in her “Bootylicious” phase. As Perez Hilton said about the track, Gaga took it to the “next NEXT level!!!” Lady Gaga is a pop genius. (Here’s a guy doing an acoustic medley of her hits, in case you’re wondering if its the production or the songwriting that makes her great. It’s the latter.)

Most Excellence in Over-Produced Bombast

Who knew? Jordan Catalano, er, I mean Jared Leto screamed his way through the first two albums he and his brother and their band 30 Seconds to Mars made, and while I occasionally listened to a whole song if I heard it on the radio, I never thought they’d do something Golden Teddy-worthy. (I’m pretty sure having Flood and Steve Lillywhite as producers helped.) But “Kings and Queens” rocks. It’s so over-done, over-the-top, and opaque, and yet, it makes me feel proud and moved and sentimental; shivers go up my spine when I hear it. This video is amazing, despite the loving close-ups of Jordan’s, I mean Jared’s, face. It never crossed my mind that a bunch of freaky-deaky Critical Massers could elucidate and encapsulate this song. But they did. (Note: The rest of the album is not so good.)

Most Excellence in Old Home Week

Tie!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0mhrqfeFjQ]I haven’t loved a Pearl Jam album in 10 years, but I ♥ Backspacer, in particular this track, “Just Breathe.” Gorgeous.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNIcVTmUSOU]Whitney Houston’s I Look to You was never going to put Whitney back on top of the charts, but it’s a damn fine album, with some great songs and some great singing. The best song is “Million Dollar Bill,” written by Alicia Keys.

Most Excellence in Live Performance

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUF-wLL9_EI]Not only is REM’s Live at the Olympia the best sounding live album I’ve ever heard (thank you, technology!), it’s also an awesome collection of songs and patter. Michael Stipe is in a bizarrely good mood. And they rock on these tunes.

Most Excellent Reason Thank American Idol

Tie!

I’ve written extensively about Adam Lambert, so I won’t add much here. But I just want to add that his performances on American Idol last season were fucking amazing. Here’s one of my favorites.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQbIXDRGC60]Kelly Clarkson put out an another awesome pop album this year — and this one is a helluva lot more cheerful than the previous one, which bombed. The title track “All I Ever Wanted” hasn’t been released as a single yet, but it’s my favorite on the album. Here’s her doing it live on British TV.

Most Excellence in Being Siouxsie and the Banshees, But Not Really

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmGNo8RL5kM]When the Yeah Yeah Yeahs got all dance-y It’s Blitz, Karen O’s inner Siouxsie really came through. She even looks like her. But damn, it’s an awesome album. Try not dancing to it. I dare you.

Most Excellence in Twee

Owl City’s “Fireflies” is both annoying and adorable. I turn it up when it comes on the radio. Who knew that someone could steal Death Cab For Cutie’s sound and make a monstrous Top 40 hit with it?

Five Most Excellent Albums

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HgwWTxTwSE]The Very Best’s Warm Heart of Africa is world music fused with alt rock. Magical and addictive. This is the best album I’ve heard this year.

Morrissey’s Years of Refusal. It almost sounds like a Smith’s record. Great songwriting: simple, catchy, funny.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLLxdcrk0-s]The Gossip’s Music For Men is simply brilliant dance rock. It’s crazy success in the UK is yet another reason why their music scene is to be envied. US radio refuses to get behind anything remotely gay.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjIErrcr75A]The Soundtrack to The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Well, it’s possible for a craptastic movie to have an AMAZING soundtrack. While the screenwriter and director must abide by the book and it’s wretchedly silly aesthetics, the music supervisor doesn’t. Woohoo! “No Sound But the Wind” by Editors and “The Violet Hour” by Sea Wolf are particularly awesome. This Death Cab For Cutie song here is actually one of the weaker tracks.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYDhw8_lAn0]The Dead Weather’s Horehound is another Jack Black concept album, and arguably it’s the best non-White Stripes thing he’s done. It’s art rock at its artiest and most rockin’.

Five Most Excellent Singles

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HL548cHH3OY]There was no better single this year than “1901” by Phoenix.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnhXHvRoUd0]I love Kings of Leon’s “Use Somebody”. Fuck off, indy rock snobs.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tl3zhbWrBY]The first time I heard Band of Skulls singing “I Know What I Am,” I said, “Oh. My. God. Now that’s a rock and roll song.”

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UjsXo9l6I8]When I hear Jay-Z and Alicia Keys’s “Empire State of Mind,” I want to get up and drive, fly, run, ski, sled, skip, pogo, or walk home to New York.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9cXLFk65y4]If Tilda Swinton and Kyle Minogue had a disco-diva love children, s/he would make something like La Roux’s “Bulletproof.”

3 things about Adam Lambert, Part 3: The AMAs, raunch at 10:55 PM, and “I’m Not a Babysitter. I’m a Performer.”

This video, which I love in all of its derivative and hilariously over-the-top glory, is for the song that Adam sang at the American Music Awards. It’s a better as recorded than it was sung live…

While I knew that Lambert would be performing at the AMAs, I wasn’t watching the show, and I wasn’t paying much attention. Until I clicked onto my sitemeter and saw that someone found my blog by searching for “adam lambert stunk on ama.” Not that I had ever written anything like that — Google does weird things. Intrigued, I clicked around and saw that he’d closed the show, and since it was time-delayed for the West Coast, I set the Tivo so I could watch it in a couple hours. Wow: Closed the show. Some producer really wants him to get some attention, and since the album was to come out the next day (today), it was some perfect synergy. I have sense been reminded that the AMAs are produced by Dick Clark, who has become Ryan Seacrest, and Ryan is nothing if not an “Idol” booster. Rock, on, Ryan.

This is how it went:

Ryan announces that the “Favorite Artist of the Year” is Taylor Swift, which is sort of appalling, but whatever, and then he announces that Adam is going to close the show. In case the video to the left is pulled from this site, this is what happened: His name, as logo, appears on the curtains, and the lights focus on Adam, who is singing the first lines of “For Your Entertainment” slowly and only accompanied by a Liberaced piano tinkle — exactly like Lady Gaga does when she performs “Poker Face.” His hair is gelled six inches high, and he’s wearing a silver suit with spikes on his left (your right) shoulder. Then the song really starts, and the band and the dancers, dressed like horny goth space aliens, bump and grind amid strobe lights and Adam being Adam: Making out with a girl and boy (but the boy was cut from the West Coast feed), leading slave boys on leashes and then simulating oral sex with one of them (though the oral simulation was cut from the West Coast feed), running around, tripping and falling, and really letting loose on the high screamy notes that usually he uses to punctuate his performances, not completely dominate them.

I’ve been rather pissed at Adam for his behavior concerning Out over the last week (see here), so I readily said, “Wow, this is baaaad.” Now, part of the problem is that whoever was in charge of the audio mix of the show last night was incompetent, so even when Adam wasn’t overdoing the vocals, it sounded terrible. And that song, as much as I love it when I listen to the recording, probably isn’t meant to be performed live. Or maybe it is, and this was just, well, a bad performance. Rob, sitting next to me on the couch, said, “You’ve turned on him already?” And then I felt guilty. Then, I thought, “No, singing-wise, this was kinda bad. The stage production, with the sex and stuff… well, that’s kinda hilarious.”

A little later, I went online and saw that the Twitterverse had shot Adam to the top of the trending topics, and it seemed that most of the tweets were about how awful he was — awful in the “OMG! IT’S SEX AND GAY!” JoeMyGod got a post up almost instantaneously about the controversy over the sexiness, and, per usual, some of his commenters did their best to trash Adam for, ya know, not being Barry Manilow or John Mayer. But a number of commenters made the very good point that if Madonna or Britney had done worse, no one would have blinked. Okay, a few people would have blinked, but not like what has happened in the last 18 hours. The AP just reported that ABC, which ran the AMAs, had received 1500 complaints about Adam’s performance. And not for the vocals.

On the other hand, the LA Times said his performance was one of the show’s highlights, simply because it wasn’t boring:

“American Idol” sometimes get criticized for cranking out safe, digestible, inoffensive pop stars. But this year’s runner-up, Adam Lambert, did his best to break out of that rap with his ultra-lewd closing performance of “For Your Entertainment.” ABC censors had to quick-cut to an odd aerial shot of the audience when Lambert had a male backup dancer simulate oral sex on him midsong. Parents may be outraged, but thank God for that. We were thinking music was getting a little too stale.

They also had him quoted on the sexual nature of the performance.

“The energy felt good. Adrenaline is a crazy thing to feel,” Lambert said to Pop & Hiss after the show. “That’s what I love about performing. I’m hoping people were entertained. For those who weren’t, maybe I’m not their cup of tea.”

When asked if he thought the most extreme moments would be edited out of the West Coast broadcast, Lambert wasn’t shy about how he would react to such a move.

“If it’s gonna be edited, then in a way that’s discrimination. I don’t mean to get political, but Madonna, Britney and Christina weren’t edited,” Lambert said. “It’s a shame. Female entertainers have been risqué for years. Honestly, there’s a huge double standard.”

That’s Adam being very political. I wonder if he’s making up for what happened the past week with Out. Because if he was worried about alienating people by being too gay in a magazine read only by gay people, he certainly wasn’t worried about being too gay on a show watched by everyone else. And if you want to see some alienated I’m-not-a-homophobe-I-just-can’t-deal-with-male-sexuality commentary, just read the stuff after the LA Times piece.

So, I’m of two minds about Adam’s performance. Vocally, it was off. And it was too frenetic and thematically unclear. But it pissed a helluva lot of people off. And all the right ones. And it’s at least partly to blame for sending his stuff up the charts on Amazon and iTunes.

UPDATE: People have lost their minds. According to Perez Hilton, ABC has canceled Adam’s mini-concert on Good Morning America that was supposed to happen on Friday. And now #ShameOnYouABC is a trending topic on Twitter. Meanwhile, the dumb twit Elisabeth Hasselback trashed him on The View, and since she’s basically a mouthpiece for the Sarah Palin set, the thumpers must really be in a snit about him. Feministing explains why Adam Lambert scares people with a post called, ha, “It’s OK patriarchy, I understand Adam Lambert made you feel funny.” (And the comments to the post explain why many people think feminists might be sex-negative.) The Times has a wrap-up (minus Perez’s scoop), and the comments are ridiculous. Per usual. In response to all of this, Adam said to Ryan Seacrest, “I’m not a babysitter, I’m a performer.” Oh, snap.

UPDATE #2: The CBS’s The Early Show, which gets a tiny fraction of GMA’s or Today’s audience, saw an opportunity, and they invited Adam to discuss the controversy and perform — the day after GMA threw him under the bus. And Adam gave good interview. From the Times website, which is so all over Adam Lambert and the AMAs that they have a hub called “The Adam Lambert Fallout: Were You Not Entertained?“, some choice quotes:

As his performance from the American Music Awards continues to stoke controversy, even costing him a booking on “Good Morning America,” Adam Lambert acknowledged in a television interview that he “did get carried away” during his awards show appearance. But the singer declined to apologize for his act, saying that it was ultimately “up to the parents to discern what their child’s watching on television.”

Damn straight. As it were.

Mr. Lambert said in the interview that he had “no clue, no clue at all” that his routine would upset viewers. He added: “I admit I did get carried away, but I don’t see anything wrong with it. I do see how people got offended, and that was not my intention. My intention was just to interpret the lyrics of my song and have a good time up there.”

The singer said that some of his sexually charged moves during the performance had not been previously rehearsed. “Those kind of came from more of an impromptu place,” he said, adding: “I think ABC was taken a little by surprise. That wasn’t my intention, I wasn’t being sneaky. It just – it got the most of me, I guess.”

This sounds great, and I want to believe it, but the guy has done a lot of live stuff. In the theater. Improv usually isn’t allowed.

Mr. Lambert said he understood why some viewers, especially parents, might have been offended by his act. “It was almost 11 o’clock,” he said, “it was a night time show. I was there in the audience full of mostly adults. Sometimes I forget, oh, there’s a camera on. I come from the theater, and I’m programmed to look at who’s in the live audience. And that’s where I come from. I was looking at the crowd and saw some of my favorite pop stars, and thought, I want to let loose.”

He’s selling authenticity. And I’m buying it.

Mr. Lambert cited similarly provocative performances given by his fellow pop stars at the American Music Awards that did not seem to generate as much outrage.

“Just to play devil’s advocate with you,” Mr. Lambert said, “Lady Gaga smashing whiskey bottles, Janet Jackson grabbed a male dancer’s crotch. Eminem talked about how Slim Shady has 17 rapes under his belt. There’s a lot of very adult material on the AMAs this year, and I know I wasn’t the only one. I’m not using it as an excuse, and I didn’t take any offense with those performers’ choices.”

And he repeated his assertion that he is the victim of a double standard in the entertainment industry. “If it had been a female pop performer doing the moves that were on the stage,” Mr. Lambert said, “I don’t think there would be nearly as much of an outrage.”

Asked if he thought he was being criticized because he was a man or because he was gay, Mr. Lambert said, “Both. I think it’s a double whammy. I think it’s because I’m a gay male, and people haven’t seen that before.”

Yes, yes, yes. Unfortunately, CBS double-standarded it up in their coverage by blurring out Adams’ same-sex kiss from the AMAs perfomance while not blurring out the for-comparison image of Madonna and Britney Spears doing the same thing. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

He did not believe he needed to apologize for his American Music Awards performance. “I’m not a babysitter,” Mr. Lambert said. “I’m a performer.”

Clearly, he realized this line worked on Seacrest the day before, so he used it again. It is a great line, and it really shows up the fucktards who are screeching “What about the children?!” about a vaguely sexually charged performance of a pop singer at 10:55 PM on a school night. Or, as I wrote in a Facebook comment yesterday: “The censored reruns of Sex in the City that air at the same time in many markets are vastly more raunchy. Of course, that’s all heterosexual sex. And the shows that air on network TV at the same time, or earlier, are more explicitly violent than Lambert’s was sexual. CSI, SVU, and Criminal Minds are pornographically violent — and in-depth. Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) is all blood, all of the time. Or Private Practice — on ABC — had a whole multi-episode arc about someone ripping a baby out of the belly of a major character. Lambert’s split second simulated oral sex — face in groin and that’s all — is nothing compared to what is commonplace on TV. ABC attacking him for that performance is the height of hypocrisy.”

Given the chance, Mr. Lambert said he would change one thing about that performance. “I would sing it a little bit better,” he said.

Yes, that would have been nice. Check out the video of the song at the top of this post to see how it was supposed to be done. I doubt that it could be done like that live, but whatevs.

However, if you want to see him kill it live, there are two videos of Adam singing from the morning that are pretty great. The first is him doing “Whataya Want From Me” (misnamed as “What Do You Want From Me” on the CBS website), and the second is “Music Again.” Okay, he kills it on “Whataya Want From Me.” He does “Music Again” just okay.

[embedyt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=al-i2_GV7EQ[/embedyt]

UPDATE #3: Sales are up! From the LA Times:

But all the chatter and debate isn’t stopping people from picking up his first post-“American Idol” release. Billboard writes that “For Your Entertainment” should sell at least 225,000 copies when it debuts on next week’s chart, and could possibly move more with post-Thanksgiving shoppers invading retailers. Lambert’s promo tour continues tonight with an appearance on the “Late Show With David Letterman.”

Also from the LA Times, Ann Powers explains it all, and brilliantly:

Few straight white men don’t strut the way Lambert does (sadly!). Most still embody the norm in our society, because racism, sexism and homophobia still haunt us. And the norm never shows itself off. It’s just taken for granted. For all of his media-savvy and strategic approach to stardom, Adam Lambert remains a rock outsider. Though I’m his fan, I don’t think his AMAs’ turn was perfect; it would have been much more effective it his usually excellent vocals had matched the audacity of his dance moves. But I don’t agree with those who are saying his routine was just a tired attempt to shock. What he did won’t be mundane until no one in America flinches when two men kiss on the street. Or until an out gay rock star is no longer an anomaly.

However, it was Alessandra Stanley who hit the nail on the head:

There is a lot of very adult material on television all the time, and mostly it flows unchecked and unpunished, except when it comes as a surprise and hits a nerve. Community standards are mutable and vague; lots of people don’t know obscenity until someone else sees it. Ms. Jackson transgressed during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show because she exposed a nipple, which is one thing that network television normally doesn’t show. Mr. Lambert, who just released his first album, startled viewers because he did things akin to what outré rappers and female pop stars have performed onstage to get attention, only he did it as a gay man.

Mr. Lambert’s context was different, mostly because he is gay and his song “For Your Entertainment” is graphically sexual, with intimations of sadomasochism and oral sex. Straight sadomasochism is suggested all the time in music videos, and early this season Courteney Cox’s character on the ABC sitcom “Cougar Town” was coyly depicted performing oral sex on a younger man

It wasn’t the best musical performance by any means, but it wasn’t the worst display of sexual debauchery either. Mostly it was a reminder of television’s policy regarding gay men: Do tell, just don’t show.

In a similar vein, Newsweek has Julia Baird writing — and well:

It is tempting to write the whole thing off as lame and overblown, a fight over the cautious sensibilities of a middle-American TV audience against the need of a gay pop singer to garner attention, entertain, and push back on shame. But then I think of the self-loathing and destructive behavior of many young gay people coming to terms with their identity and the violence of ignorant people toward them. Homophobia isn’t an abstract debate—it can be ugly and dangerous.

I wonder if Time will wade in with something typically contrarian and offensive…

UPDATE #4:

Disgustingly, ABC has now canceled Lambert’s performance on Jimmy Kimmel’s show and killed his booking on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. (Here’s Michael Slezak’s lame EW story about that.) I guess it’s okay to have a running bit about fucking Ben Affleck, but not to have a split second dance move that makes people think about actual gay men having sex. Meanwhile, and oddly, ABC is letting Barbara Walters put him in her “Ten Most Fascinating People of 2009” show and perform on The View.

3 things about Adam Lambert, Part 2: Oh, he released an album, too!

CLARIFICATION: This is the post from which the other “3 things about Adam Lambert” posts originated. I split them up. For the post of the Out kerfuffle, go here. For the post about the AMAs performance, go here. This post is now just a review of the album.

By the way, Adam Lambert’s album is $15.70 on iTunes and $3.99 at Amazon.com.

And then there’s the album. I listened to it streaming on iLike several times, and now I’ve got the whole thing on my iPod. It’s a good pop album, but it is not a Great Album that transcends Top 40. There are some great songs, some great vocals — some really great vocals — and some great fun. It’s at its best when it’s Bowie-meets-Gaga-after-drinks-with-Madonna, and at its worst when it’s Chris Daughtry songs with Adam Lambert’s voice. There are some tracks that were clearly focus-grouped and/or forced on the album by executives, and the whole thing is wildly over-produced. I mean, did they really need that many instruments, that many vocal loops, and that much sound? Still, it’s one of the better 19-controlled post-“Idol” albums. Here’s my track-by-track reviewlet:

  1. “Music Again.” Written by Justin Hawkins of The Darkness. It sounds like slightly watered-down Darkness song, complete with the dog-whistle high notes in the refrain. It’s thematically apt, and it’s hooky. Good.
  2. “For Your Entertainment.” Written by Lukasz Gottwald (Dr. Luke) and Claude Kelly. Despite the hard-to-hear and weirdly over-sung version on the AMAs, this is a great dance pop song. It’s aggressive and thuddy, and I want to dance when I hear it. Granted, since it was released a few weeks ago, I’ve listened to it at least a few dozen times, so it’s a Pavlovian response at this point.
  3. “Whataya Want From Me.” Written by P!nk, Max Martin, and Shellback. This is the best song and best track on the album. Adams sounds fantastic when he’s controlled, and the song, as written, is clear and emotionally resonant. And oddly, considering Max Martin’s presence, it’s subtle. But it’s crazy catchy, too, so that’s got the Swedish Svengali written all over it.
  4. “Strut.” Written by Adam, Kara DioGuardi, and Greg Wells. This track doesn’t do anything for me. It sounds like the less interesting baby brother of “For Your Entertainment” or “Fever.” Also, Adam sounds like he’s sneering. Which makes sense if you think strutting is obnoxious, instead of confident.
  5. “Soaked.” Written by Matthew Bellamy of Muse. Oh, thank God for Muse. This isn’t quite as great as anything on Muse’s last couple albums, but Bellamy knows how to take the theatrics of 70s arena rock and retrofit it for the 21st century. I can’t imagine it as a single, unless of course 94.9 in San Diego realized that Adam doing Muse is about as “alternative” as you can get. However, I can also imagine Liza Minnelli doing this song well, too. Hmm.
  6. “Sure Fire Winners.” Written by David Gamson, Alexander James, and Oliver Lieber. This is “We Are The Champions” channeled by some studio jockeys who enjoy sampling whatever beats are on the Top 40 right now. (One of these guys is responsible for “Forever Your Girl,” another was in Blur, and the third is an industry stand-by.) Not good. Though I adore the line “my baby clothes made of leather and lace.” Snicker.
  7. “A Loaded Smile.” Written by Linda Perry. As pretty as this song is, and as retro cool as the production is, I keep listening to it over and over so that I can say something about it, but I get so bored that I wander off to something else and forget that I was supposed to be paying attention, so then I listen to it again and the same thing happens, again.
  8. “If I Had You.” Written Max Martin, Shellback, and Savan Kotecha. This is a Kelly Clarkson song (that she would probably find annoying) with Adamized lyrics. It’s catchy but cynical.
  9. “Pick U Up.” Written by Rivers Cuomo, Greg Wells, and Adam. This sounds like a cast-off from a Weezer album. It should have been cast-off from this one, too. Adam sounds good, especially in the refrain, but it’s boring. This would have been a good place for some brilliant re-envisioned cover.
  10. “Fever.” Written by Lady Gaga and Jeff Bhasker. This is the only song where Adam explicitly addresses a man as a love-interest (and I’m not the only one who noticed this). This is sad, but I guess it was a cynical decision based on the naked homophobia of American radio. But damn: This song is hot and sexy and “ménage à trois” is repeated a lot. The beat is dirty and so very Gaga, and it’s the bomb. The bomb, I tell you.
  11. “Sleepwalker.” Written by Ryan Tedder, Aimee Mayo, and Chris Lindsey. This track has gotten some bad reviews, but even though it is embedded in a wall of sound, which I don’t always like, its bombast makes me think of a delightfully dramatic love child of “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and “Sowing the Seeds of Love.”
  12. “Aftermath.” Written by Adam, Alisan Porter, Ferras, and Ely Rise. This is a Chris Daughtry song. And I’m sick of Chris Daughtry.
  13. “Broken Open.” Written by Greg Wells, Adam, and Evan Bogart. This sounds like a Matt Alber song. Gorgeous.
  14. “Time For Miracles.” Written by Alain Johannes and Natasha Shneider. As much as this song is 90s Diane Warren retread — and since it’s the theme from 2012, it’s practically a clone of her “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” from Armageddon — I just love it. I feel dirty for loving it, but it’s such a great tune. It’s produced right, and it’s sung brilliantly.
  15. “Master Plan.” Bonus Track. Written by Ryan Tedder. Awful, if catchy. “Bonus” is clearly a misnomer. Though I must say I like the fact that it could be interpreted as a sung manifesto for the Gay Agenda.
  16. “Down the Rabbit Hole.” Bonus Track. Written by Adam, Greg Wells, and Evan Bogart. Since it is trapped on the overpriced iTunes-only album, I haven’t heard it yet. This would be one of the best songs on the album. I can’t fathom why it’s a “Bonus” not in the place of, say, “Sure Fire Winners.” It’s raucous electro-rock with a Darkness, Franz Ferdinand edge. Awesome.

I give it 3 1/2 stars out of five.