The 2008 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Music

The winners should all be so very proud.

Most Excellent Reason to Loathe the Grammies.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0gghjczAt0] So, Spin, Rolling Stone, and Entertainment Weekly all declared that TV on the Radio’s Dear Science was the best album of 2008, and the band didn’t get a single Grammy nomination. Meanwhile, Kid Rock got a nomination for a song built entirely on a Lynyrd Skynyrd hook. And the Christianist boy bandJonas Brothers, who were spit out by the Random Pop Star GeneratorTM, were short-listed for Best New Artist. I know that the Grammys have been a joke for decades, but still.

Most Excellent Album from Any Source.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7mMoc-x_v0] TV on the Radio’s Dear Science is the best possible outcome for the freak show love child of David Bowie, Beck, Prince, and the Talking Heads. With distortion. Or something like that. It’s accessible, danceable art rock with slam poetry lyrics.

Most Excellent Album More than 75% Computer Generated.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7FUMLIG03k] I just listed to Robyn’s Robyn for the bazillioninth time while making my fabu white and green bean salad, and I still love it, especially this song here on the left. It’s the album that Britney Spears would make if she had talent. And how can you not love someone who describes herself as the “most killingest pop star on the planet. A pint-sized atom bomb dosed to the tits on electric and dispensing wisdom in three-minute modernist pop bulletins on the post-adolescent condition.” They’re not modernist, actually. Even though “postmodernist” wouldn’t be exactly right, it’s the closest word we have.

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The 2008 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Books

This is going to be like the Tonys, when the four nominees for each category are chosen from usually about eight shows. Sometimes only five new musicals open, and four get the benefit of claiming that they were nominated for Best Musical. Ridiculous. Just like the winners of the 2008 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Books. I only read seven works of fiction this year; I started four others and plan on finishing two of those. As for nonfiction, I read a heck of a lot of academic stuff but only a couple books that someone might read for, say, fun. So, take these Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Books with a grain of salt, whatever that means.

Most Excellent Book That I Wish I’d Never Read.

The RoadRob and I joined an ill-fated book group last year, and three of the books we read are on this list. Cormac McCarthy’s The Road is the best book I read in the last 12 months. But I wish I could forget it. This is what I wrote in my Goodreads review: “When I was about 100 pages in, I wrote on here, “This book is freaking me out.” It continued to. McCarthy constructed some of the most disturbing images I’ve ever read, but what most, I think, upset me was how seemingly plausible his imagined post-nuclear war world is. And as personalized through the story of the father and the son, this world becomes emotionally, not just intellectually, real. I finished it at 2:30 am, and burst into tears. I will probably be haunted by the book for some time. ”

Most Excellently Awful Use of Authorial Branding.

Gentlemen of the RoadMichael Chabon is the Prince of modern American fiction. I don’t mean he’s royalty; I mean he’s like Prince Rogers Nelson, who cannot stop recording and releasing music and has no ability to judge whether something should be released with fanfare or deleted from the hard drive forever. Last year, Chabon published The Yiddish Policeman’s Union, which is a fantastic postmodern hard-boiled detective novel that belongs on the same shelf as Mysteries of Pittsburgh, Wonder Boys, and The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay. Unfortunately, Chabon has another shelf with pretty crappy genre stuff, like retread of Sherlock Holmes, a weird and awful Harry Potter wannabe, and not-so-good comic books. On that second shelf, we will put Gentlemen of the Road: A Tale of Adventure, which I read last winter simply because Chabon wrote it. Dumb of me. What a truly terrible book. Chabon’s elaborate prose was un-edited and out of control, his pacing and plotting weird and lazy. It felt like something he spit out one weekend after watching “The 13th Warrior” on Showtime in the middle of the night.

Most Excellent Wish Fulfilment.

HeroPerry Moore’s Hero is about a gay teen-ager who becomes a superhero. I mean, dude, I wish that had been my life. Well, except for the death and destruction. But still. A relatively well-written, well-paced YA novel, it’s not really “good,” but, boy, did I like reading it. The other folks in the book group loathed it. Of course, they all liked A Thousand Splendid Suns. So whatevs.

 

 

 

Most Excellent Inspiration.

Oh the GlorySean Wilsey’s memoir of growing up rich and neglected, Oh the Glory of It All, is long and rambling and self-indulgent and utterly un-edited. But it made me start working on my own “stuff” again. Partly, it showed me that there are still editors suckered by long and rambling and self-indulgent books. And it gave me all sorts of ideas. The book group hated it. (Four words: A. Thousand. Splendid. Suns.)

 

 

 

Most Excellent Teaching Tool.

wisdom of whoresI taught four different books this year, and by far, the most successful was Elizabeth Pisani’s The Wisdom of Whores: Bureaucrats, Brothels, and the Business of AIDS. The book is a primer on epidemiology, a history of the fight against Global AIDS™, and a muck-raking, idol-smashing story of public health in the “developing” world. It’s an excellent book. Pisani is a fantastic writer, and she’s super cool: She did an hour-long webcast seminar with my class. And she has a great blog!

 

 

Most Excellent Reason To Read Something Multiple Times.

Madness and CivI have been reading Foucault since the Spring of 1993, but over two weeks this past summer I read (or re-read) four of the key books — Madness and Civilization, The Birth of the Clinic, Discipline and Punish, and The History of Sexuality, Vol. 1 — and I finally got it. I mean: I got it. It was like when Neo sees the Matrix for the first time. My favorite is Madness and Civilization, because it is the most straightforward and the most beautifully translate, by Richard Howard no less.

 

 

Most Excellent Book That I Haven’t Finished Yet.

bolano2666I’m totally digging Roberto Bolaño’s 2666. It’s completely weird and totally engrossing.

Tomorrow: The 2008 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Music!

The 2008 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Film

Update appended.

And the winners are…!

Most Excellent “I’m SO CrAzY!” Acting.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpNtde_owk4 350 200]

Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight.” There is truly awful “I’m SO CrAzY!” acting, such as Brad Pitt in “12 Monkeys” or Robin Williams in “The Fisher King” showing off a bunch of mannered ticks, and then there is truly great “I’m SO CrAzY!” acting. Not since Anthony Hopkins in “The Silence of the Lambs” has someone done sociopathic so well — so creepy, so deep, so funny, and so captivating.

Most Excellent “I’m so sad and depressed…” Acting.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uycf4sEOHbY]

Anne Hathaway in “Rachel Getting Married.” This movie bugged hard. It was preposterously plotted and every single character was awful, with the exception of Mather Zickel’s Kieran, Hathaway’s underwritten love interest. I wanted the movie to end about 45 minutes earlier than it did; it was annoying and boring. I guess Hathaway’s performance shows a great deal of versatility. She laughs, she cries, she pouts, she gets into a fist fight. But she’s ACTING. I wanted to slap her.

Most Excellent When Shirtless.

Hugh Jackman in “Australia.” Just watch this clip; you’ll get what I’m saying.

Most Excellent First Half of a Movie.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UblUO0LjPUg]

“Wall-E.” The first 45 minutes is more or less a silent film; it’s genius — moving, beautiful, hilarious. The moment the robot ends up on the intergalactic Ark, the movie becomes obvious political commentary about Saving the Environment. And that part is kind of annoying.
Most Excellent Rewrite of Source Material to Fit Our Current War.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhgzIM-9lfA]

“Iron Man.” In the original comic book, Tony Stark is kidnapped by the Vietcong and forced to make a weapon. In this movie, it’s some sort of a Al-Qaeda wannabe group. The best part is that Stark is given an Middle Eastern buddy / assistant / doctor that diffuses the otherwise problematic racist overtones. No such Vietnamese sidekick existed back in the 1960s version. Yay for progress.

Most Excellent “You’re doing WHAT?!” Acting. Tie!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5e7XLioq58k]

Tom Cruise in “Tropic Thunder.” His three scenes are shocking, not just because it’s Cruise but because his character is so shocking. Usually when Cruise pulls a WTF?! moment, it seems to me as if he’s just a sight-gag. This was more. Though, yeah, he is kind of sight-gag. And oddly hot.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XHsmRVYU-A]

Robert Downey, Jr. in “Tropic Thunder.” Just plain genius. I don’t know how they pulled off his make-up, but Downey pulled off the character by being a brilliant actor. I mean, really. He’s that good. He should win an Oscar.

Most Excellent Reason to Blacklist a Casting Director.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCaZz2UMml0]

Pierce Brosnan in “Mama Mia!” What were they thinking? The last 15 seconds of this clip … they’re just painful. Oh, my ears.

Most Excellent Gimmick-less Acting.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW0lQrWn5VI]

Sean Penn in “Milk.” He certainly looks a lot like Harvey Milk, but not that much. And he certainly sounds a lot like Milk, but not that much. This is a not a simple imitation, like Jamie Foxx in “Ray” (as good as that was). Penn creates a character who is more than Milk; he is a gay Everyman, a Norma Rae for the Gays. He’s also funny, sexy, and flawed. Obviously, Penn’s Milk wouldn’t exist without Dustin Lance Black’s amazing script, which is based on mostly new research.

Most Excellent Gimmick-less Film.

“Milk.” It’s the gay “Gandhi,” except it’s not too long and not boring. And unlike it’s documentary predecessor, it leave you uplifted, not completely depressed. The movie is nearly perfect.

Most Excellent Gimmicky Film

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L6K3fkwr-Y]

I feared that “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” would be “Forrest Gump” with a darker palette and prettier people, but it was instead a deeply felt, deeply affecting meditation on death, aging, and fate. Like all David Fincher films, every shot was stunningly gorgeous. But it seems that Fincher has allowed his visual and technical virtuosity to serve the story, not his ego (unlike, I feel, he did in “Fight Club”). In his blankness and naivete, Brad Pitt was perfect. As Variety wrote, “Benjamin is a reactor, not a perpetrator, and Pitt inhabits the role genially, gently and sympathetically.” Cate Blanchett, playing a much more complex character, actually goes through more emotional transformations than Pitt does physical. As always, she’s amazing, and I don’t think she’s ever been better.

Most Excellent Trailer for a Movie That Doesn’t Exist and Probably Won’t.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fb50GMmY5nk]

“Thundercats,” starring Brad Pitt, Vin Diesel, and Hugh Jackman. I mean, really. This is was obviously created by a future Oscar for Best Editing.

Most Excellent Movies That I Didn’t See Either Because I Couldn’t Be Bothered Or Because I Live in San Diego Where the Movies Will Never Open or Will Open Next Year.

Tie! Slumdog Millionaire, Doubt, Frozen River, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Quantum of Solace, Waltz with Bashir, Happy-Go-Lucky, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Frost/Nixon, The Reader, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler, Changeling, and Gran Torino. Yeah. So in other words, I based 2008’s Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Film on, like, 10 movies. Ha. Suckerz.

Tomorrow: The 2008 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Books!

The 2008 Golden Teddy Awards for Most Excellence in Television

And the winners are…!

Most Excellent Use of Audience Ignorance of the Geography of a Dramatic Setting.

Pratt, not Harvard! Tie! In “Brothers and Sisters,” characters travel from Pasadena to Santa Barbara during commercial breaks. It takes an hour to drive from Santa Barbara to Pasadena — without traffic! As if that was remotely possible. Click here to get directions from Pasadena to Santa Barbara to West Hollywood to Downtown LA and back to Pasadena. And in “Fringe,” the lab where our heroes hang out and do physically impossible things is supposed to be at Harvard. But the exterior shots are of Pratt. In Brooklyn. Which only remotely looks like Harvard.

Most Excellent Fake TV Show within a TV Show That Is Real.

“MILF Island,” the “Survivor” meets “Date My Mom” reality smash hit on fake NBC that is the key plot point in an episode of real NBC’s “30 Rock.” The premise? Horny TV boys vote MILFs off the island. The tagline? “20 MILFs, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.” The catch phrase? “We no longer want to hit that.” Genius!

Most Excellent Statutory Rape.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NVcTlwsr2M] On “Gossip Girl,” the producers thought it was a good idea to have Nate, 17, and Jenny, 15, hook up and cause all sorts of silly drama with their friends and family and erstwhile lovers. No problem, right? Well, Taylor Momsen, who plays Jenny, really is 15. And Chace Crawford, who plays Nate, is not 17. He’s 23. This hook-up caused Entertainment Weekly to do an entire article on TV’s “most unappealing make-out moments.”

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Announcing the 2008 Golden Teddy Awards

UPDATE: My Golden Teddy Awards have nothing to do with the Golden Teddy Awards handed out by, ha, The Teddy Bear Review (a magazine that “embraces the joy of Teddy Bear and soft scultpure collecting”). Really. I didn’t know those awards existed until I saw people googling “Golden Teddy Bear Awards” on my site meter. And there was no reason why anyone would know about my awards in, say, Dunkirk.

It’s that time of year again! Yes, it’s late December, when critics, unions, and amorphous over-funded foundations hand out laurels to sometimes deserving people. And I’ve been meaning to do the same thing, but like so many “regular” features on this blog, it never got off the ground. And it probably won’t last beyond this year. But who cares? Awards are fun!

Here is the FAQ for the Golden Teddy Awards:

What is a Golden Teddy Award?

It is small bear item — figurine, stuffed animal, action figure, etc. — spray-painted gold (GOLD!) by me, Ted(dy) Gideonse. Said Golden Teddy will be given to the winner of a Golden Teddy Award by me, provided that the winner sends me a self-addressed, postage-affixed, padded box or envelope.

For what does one win a Golden Teddy Award?

Excellence.

Excellence in what?

What I deem to be excellent. This year, there will be Golden Teddys given in such things as Television (ex. Most Excellent Use of Audience Ignorance of the Geography of a Setting), Film (ex. Most Excellent Hairy Chest — Male), Music (ex. Most Excellent Use of Beyonce’s Voice As a Weapon of Terror), Books  (Most Excellent Book I Finished), Blogging (Most Excellent Comment Involving Biblical References and Multiple Misspellings) and the Humanities. The last category is a catch-all, and it will collect such awards as Excellence in Bold-Faced Lying about the Gays, Excellence in Campaign Crying, and Excellence in Decorating a Home at which I Attended a Party.

Who decides the winners of the Golden Teddys?

I do. Duh.

What is your feeling about campaigning for an award?

I’m all for it. As the Supreme Court has said, money is speech. Feel free to send bribes, as well as suggestions for award categories. Also, liquor is accepted as long as it is top shelf.

When will you announce the winners of the Golden Teddys?

Here’s the schedule:

Stay tuned!

[UPDATE: Not to be confused with Joe Klein’s Teddy Awards, which are named after Teddy Roosevelt. Not me. So they suck. Hat tip, Mom.]